The childcare question: Picking the kind that best suits your family’s needs

And of course, like most parenting questions, there's no single correct answer. What's right for the city-dwelling one-child couple may be very different to what works for a family of four living in the countryside. So I asked five mothers to talk to me about their childcare solutions - why they chose them, what the benefits are, and if there are any pitfalls to consider.

Crèche

Around 20pc of Irish families choose crèche, including Rebekah, a Dublin mother of two, who wanted childcare that's always available. "A crèche is never 'sick' or on holidays," she explains.

She picked her particular crèche because of its location and its size. "It's small and that was important to me," says Rebekah. "Other children seemed very happy when we visited and we were able to call in unannounced. There are good opening hours so we could drop Charlie in on the way to work and collect him on the way home."

And are there any downsides to consider? "Cost!" says Rebekah. "Crèche is really expensive. Also your child will pick up every bug going. But I feel this is due to happen at some stage, so you might as well get it out of the way now."

If reliability and social interaction are priorities, as well as home-cooked meals provided on site, crèche could be your best bet.

Childminder

A childminder is someone who looks after your child in their home, not yours. Mother-of-one Ciara went for this option when she recently returned to work.

"Ratio of care was one factor," says Ciara about her decision. "We wanted Kate to be around other children - but not too many."

Consistency of care mattered too. "We were looking for a home away from home. We liked the idea that one person would be looking after Kate, and that she would get to know her likes or dislikes," says Ciara. "The fact that the childminder could work around Kate's routine was very comforting. We didn't want her to have to slot into a routine prescribed for her."

According to Ciara, the biggest challenge with using a childminder is finding the right one. "Referrals from friends or family would be the preference, but in our case no one was able to recommend someone to us. I sourced lists of local childminders online but I found that most of them were unavailable. There is certainly a lack of availability of experienced, qualified childminders."

When meeting a prospective childminder, Ciara advises asking if she is FETAC Level 5 qualified, Garda vetted, trained in first aid, and registered with Childminding Ireland.

Nanny

Although also commonly referred to as a childminder, the person who minds your child in your home is officially a nanny. It can be costly, but it has huge advantages, as Dublin mum-of-two Johanna discovered.

"We initially started our son in crèche," says Johanna, "But very soon after, he got sick, and for the next few weeks he was out of crèche more than he was in. We decided to pull him out and to get a childminder."

As well as one-to-one attention for her children, and no drop-offs or pick-ups before and after work, Johanna finds that there's a huge level of trust in place. "You know that your children are 100pc safe and well in their own home, in the care of someone who loves them nearly as much as you do."

It's an expensive option though, as Johanna explains. "Your childminder is your employee and is entitled to all the benefits that any worker is entitled to, like 20 days annual leave a year. PAYE, PRSI, and USC need to be accounted for, and as an employer you also pay employer's PRSI on top of the annual salary."

But from Johanna's perspective, it's worth it, as her two boys have their nanny's full attention, and she has peace of mind.

Au Pair

The primary consideration when hiring an au pair is that she lives in your house, and is available for a set number of hours only. But it's a very inexpensive option, and works well for families outside urban areas. Keara, a mum of two from Wicklow, has had very good experiences with au pairs.

"Crèche was not an option as there are none around us," she says. "We decided to try an au pair based on the fact that it's not expensive. The person is living with you, so there's no drop off in the morning - no panic getting out the door with a sleepy child."

Having someone live in your house isn't for everyone. "You need to be open to accepting someone into your home; they are not an employee who should stay out of your way," says Keara. "They need to be incorporated into the family. If you are a private person or very particular about your house, then I would think it's probably not a good idea - you need to be able to relax."

Extended family

The most common childcare providers in Ireland today are extended family, primarily grandparents. For children, being cared for by family is a wonderful experience, but this only works well if grandparents are willing and physically able.

Laura, a Dublin mum of three, says she's very lucky that her mother-in-law has always been part of her childcare arrangements.

"It is a great option, but only if the grandparents want to do it and it's not purely for financial reasons. We were very fortunate in that my mother-in-law wanted to have some role in the childcare. I think the children find comfort in having a family member around but I'm very aware that not everyone has this option."

As with all arrangements, there are some pitfalls. "Grandparents have lives to lead and it's a big commitment to take on childcare, so don't be offended if they decline," warns Laura. "Although they all love their grandchildren, it may be a different story when they've had them for eight to 10 hours a day. The other issue is availability. Given it's usually voluntary, there's a chance that they'll want more time off than a paid childminder, so you might find yourself looking for cover on those days."

And you may have to bite your tongue on minor child-rearing practices, says Laura. "They are doing you a favour, so it's hard to dictate how they do things."

Finally, remember that situations change - while crèche may be great when you have one child, it can become prohibitively expensive if you have three. Likewise, a nanny might be too costly with a first child, but could make perfect sense with a bigger family. Starting school adds complications and often necessitates reassessing childcare. And many parents use a mix of different options throughout the childcare years.

While there's no one perfect solution, and the cost is a challenge for most; once you do your research, there's certainly a good option out there for every family.

Bondings: We love our super life

"We were in a yoga teacher-training class. I was doing the downward-facing dog and Diarmuid thought I looked really good from behind," laughs Talya, who, like her hubby, glows with health and vitality.

"I was casually dating at home in Israel and wasn't into the long-distance thing, so Diarmuid wasn't an option for me. I didn't even know where Ireland was and as it was the day before my 39th birthday, I felt it was time to get my act together."

Diarmuid invited Talya out to dinner and although she thought it was a friendship, he had other ideas.

"I vigorously pursued her," he admits. "There was something there, so I knew I had to go after this girl and nothing else mattered. She was having none of me, though."

Talya's mum, Cynie, is Canadian, and her late Belgian father Jacques, who passed away when she was 18, was an agricultural engineer. She had a very happy childhood in a very left-wing, pro-Palestinian family and her home country was very different to the Israel of today.

"Growing up in Israel makes you strong," she says. "I'm a fighter and make things happen if I want them."

Talya went travelling to the Far East, where she sold pictures and jewellery on the streets of Japan and fell in love with India's spiritual aspect. When she came back she established a healthy cake business, and went to New York to study holistic nutrition.

Hold onto your honey – Venus is still retrograde in September

Is your relationship in harmony one minute, while in the next you feel like you’re in a soap opera with all the drama that comes with it? Watch out – Venus, the brightest planet in the sky, could be causing havoc with your love life while retrograde.

Venus, the love goddess, weaves her magic by bringing people together to spread joy and love into our lives, but when she is retrograde, she can cause all sorts of turmoil – particularly with relationships, and especially with intimate relationships. She also governs monetary matters, so depending on where she sits in your solar or natal chart a retrograde transit can spark financial tension.

Here’s a planetary account of what has come to pass and what to expect.

There are a few things to take into consideration with this Venus retrograde. Firstly, Venus rules two signs, Taurus and Libra. And as such, on the positive side the Venus energy is romantic, sensual, sharing and caring, but on the flip side, it can be stubborn, possessive, contrary and even bitchy. Venus, the ruler of relationships, began her retrograde journey in Virgo then reentered Leo, so there is the energy of two different signs to take into account as well as the interactions between Venus and other planets.

Venus began her retrograde transit on July 25th while situated in the level headed common sense sign of Virgo. And in this sign, as Virgo is the perfectionist, critical tension could have taken place between couples, particularly with old issues that have never been resolved. Now, Virgo will generally not walk away from a relationship when the going gets tough – they are in it for the long haul – but even they have their limits. If an issue keeps coming up over and over again, problems can arise during Venus retrograde. And it may not even be the issue in the end that is the actual problem, it can be that one partner feels the other does not love and respect them enough to abide by their simple requests and wishes. Then deep hurt and resentment, which has already started to take place in the relationship, accumulates and intensifies, and finally, enough is enough.

The Virgo vibration, which is ruled by Mercury, knows how to communicate and if one person is consistently not taking notice, then the small bump in the road can become a major crater, which can inevitably break down relations. So although a Venus retrograde won’t cause a break-up, the energy can trigger a situation that needs to be dealt with; it can end up being a make-it or break-it time.

On her backward journey, Venus reentered Leo on July 31st and does not come out of retrograde until September 6th. She will then travel forward in Leo and reenter Virgo on October 8th. This is an extended stay while in Leo, where demonstrative displays of affection, socializing, and declaring love to each other can take place. However, when Venus is retrograde, if things are not going well, bitching, possessiveness and fighting can also be displayed – in some cases, very publicly. Leo is a fixed fire sign, so when things go wrong there can be plenty of heat in the works, and an indignant attitude that is more concerned about pride and self than coming from a place of deep love and caring.

Venus goes direct on September 6th, but the planet does not return back to the degree it was in when it first went retrograde until October 9th – hence it is still technically in the retrograde zone until this time, but to a lessor degree. The very next day, on October 10th, Venus will square with Saturn and cast doubt or questions as to where your relationship is going. During this time, you may be asking yourself, is there a commitment for the long term?

Let’s not forget Mars, the other half of the love duo – Venus being the romantic side and with Mars providing the passion. On September first, when Mars and Venus connect, this is a dynamic love connection when electricity can spark between two people – a love at first sight type of connection. There is a lot of passion and desire that comes with this planetary interaction and it can put you in an unrealistic cloud nine, infatuated state. But with Venus retrograde, it does pull the energy back and keep it real, so in this sense the Venus-Mars connection is still very strong and can keep you more grounded. The perfect balance of idealism and reality.

While Venus is in Leo, the energy can heighten the love vibration in your life, but it can also increase the irritation of a partner, especially when retrograde. Let’s face it: we all have our share of irresistible and irritating traits. Past lovers can suddenly reappear now too, or you can resurrect a relationship that hasn’t been going anywhere, and it can suddenly get a new lease on life. Or, it may be that you finally let go of a relationship that just doesn’t seem to be working out. The issues may be too great to overcome and it’s time to call it quits; in this sense, it can free you from ties and binds that no longer serve you in a positive or loving way and allow you to open up to a more suitable partner.

Venus and expansive Jupiter connected earlier in the month on August 4th, in what is known to be one of the luckiest and most beneficial planetary aspects during the year and both in the sign of generous and giving Leo. This is usually a time of love and celebration, but with Venus retrograde and the day before, on the third, Jupiter squared off with cautious Saturn, high hopes could have been squashed with a dampening of enthusiasm. So although this is still a very promising time, it does come with a certain amount of uncertainty. It could cause a pull back of emotions, which can be very confusing for couples and singles dating.

Venus also governs monetary situations, and while retrograde, finances can play a significant part in relationships. It is possible that someone from the past can step forward with an opportunity. It is also possible for old debts to be repaid – or on the other hand, if you owe money, you could receive notice to pay up. Projects that are potential money winners can resurrect. And as Venus sat next to Jupiter, the planet of abundance and expansion, until August 11th – a potent combination of energy – anything is possible. These two planets will have another beneficial interaction during the last two weeks of October. The best way to work with the Jupiter energy is to have an optimistic attitude and to affirm the positive, not the negative.

On August 19th, Venus had a fire trine with Uranus, which is unpredictable energy, and sudden developments can take place. However, it is a favorable aspect so if the ground is rocky, it can start to rebuild, especially as the Sun and Jupiter connect on August 26th, which provides the energy to be open hearted and keep it real. There is a real intent of looking to the future for a solid relationship now. So if the waters have been choppy, all is not lost – it can smooth over again with the hope that you have cleared some blockages and past issues that can hold you back. This is a time to open your hearts to love more wholly and spiritually. But if not, then the full Moon in Pisces on August 29th will provide a boost of energy to cut the ties and do some solid and effective emotional clearing and healing.

If relationships are on rocky ground, it may be a difficult to hold it all together during Venus retrograde. You will be tested, along with your depth of commitment and whether you have dealt with the love lessons you have been confronted with. But there is also a lot of magic in the love chart with this Venus retrograde, and the support and challenges one faces in relationships; if you area not tempted to jump the love-boat, it can serve to strengthen your relationship. And let’s not forget that the possibility of resurrecting something from the past is very real now, too. Or, on the other hand, it can give you a chance to cut ties and finally close the door on a dysfunctional relationship so you can move on, which is also very positive.

If couples can keep it real during this Venus retrograde and speak from the heart rather than allow ego and false pride to get in the way, then they have a chance now to overcome blockages that can hold back intimacy and build a stronger connection. But as we know, it takes two to tango. And if couples build a spiritual partnership, an interest in growing on all levels and evolving together, this can be a positive time – but of course, as life goes... not without its challenges.

Wedding Trends Perth - Making your Day Special

The wedding is the most memorable and the special day of one’s life. Everyone wants this day to be just perfect in all respect but this does not means that one has to spend all his life time savings for that evening.

The wedding is so precious in one’s life that it needs the plan to be made even two years before the wedding. The wedding trends Perth wa the perfect one which one would long for.

The first thing which one has to look before starting the planning of the wedding is the budget. Depending on the budget one can make the list of the guest to be invited. The venue and the menu all depend on the budget of the individual.

But if the Perth wedding trend is followed, one does not have to really think about all these because it’s the kind of wedding that involve all these by default and the wedding ceremony is so unique and different that it makes it stand in the other place from the other ordinary weddings.

The wedding reception Perth is the most attractive feature of the whole wedding ceremony. The catering system for the guest, their welcome ceremony and the treatment which is offered to the guest in the wedding is just the perfect one. The venue of the wedding plays the important role in the scenario. The venue is the thing which can make the wedding go very well and if chosen incorrectly it can also spoil the whole arrangement.

The Perth weddings were not very famous in early days and it was a very small business but as the time passed they got very popular all over the world and their demand increased like wise. The photographers are also hired by the wedding arrangement team that help making the memory of the day remain with you for the rest of the life.

The food, beverage, wedding ring, bridal gown etc are some of the very small things which have to be taken good care while the wedding plan is in process.

The wedding parties’ decoration is also the major part. One always longs for the most beautiful decoration in his wedding so that it looks different and gives a very unique feeling to the wedding couples. As the days are passing by the Decor is becoming more and more extravagant.

The invitation cards also have to taken care of very precisely, but Pert wedding all these are handled very smoothly and this kind of wedding is one’s dream wedding.

So what you are waiting for, if you are planning your own wedding or your close one’s then Perth wedding trends are the perfect ones to be followed.

I’ll continue to love you forever more

You have my honor

You have my pride

Just cherish me

And I will not hide

I’m rich with you

My heart is full

As I know when you’re near

I feel love’s pull

We may not have the money

and in life we may be poor

But when you have love inside

It gives you wings so you can soar

I’ve loved you on your better days

As I’ve loved you on the worst

I’ll continue to love you forever more

Even when it hurts

When sickness comes

And drags you down

I’ll lift you up

Take away your frown

On days of health

I’ll hold you near

I’ll never forsake our love

So do not fear

I’ll love you until

We’re old and gray

I’ll love you still

Come what may

So two souls

born separately

become just one

like it was meant to be

My heart it beats

For you alone

My love will keep

Forever, you are my home.

To Love Or To Be Loved? Which One Would You Choose?

The most case is the guy or girl we love doesn't love us. While on the other hand, the boy or girl who loves us seems to be not charming at all in our eyes. If you love someone, or someone loves you without it being returned, it really, really hurts. What is better? To love or be loved?

Many people would like to be loved. If you think that someone should love you, then you should also learn to love yourself. That is to say, if you want to get something from the world, then adopt it yourself first. Romance begins when you can show your soul to another person. I should quote what Latin poet Ovid said:" To love,be lovable." A lovable person is someone who is natural, easy with himself or her self, radiating the simple, unaffected humanity that makes any one truly attractive.

There should be no room for selfishness in a relationship, neither room for playing with each other's feelings. We hurt each other in the most dim-witted ways possible. Sometimes we’re not careful with the one next to us and that can be tragic, because an upsetting thing, once said,cannot be taken back and that leaves marks. If we'd love each other the way we're suppose to, most of our problems would instantly melt.

Love comes tied to trust, kindness, pleasant character and some other important things. These together could make a great difference worldwide. But it's hard to get past our own selfishness and forgetting about our personal needs, to caring for the needs of others. Even in romantic relationships we don't always give what's best for our partner. It is wrong, yet, we still tend to do it. These kind of things need to change, because without love, nothing would be the same. What creates romance is the ability to see yourself lovable.

We should choose to love over being loved. It is not easy, but if we all did it, we would be giving and receiving at the same time. This world is a mirror that will show you what you are and will give you what you deserve. If you be loved by others, then you have to love others. You will get what you think you are up to!

Learn to get what you like, or you will be forced to like what you get! And I am sure that you will like to be loved not to love only! Let's choose to love.

Cash and Love - A Sad Love Story

Is it accurate to say that you are living in a dismal adoration story, on the grounds that you simply said a final farewell to the affection for your life? You were frantically enamored with the individual and afterward the majority of the sudden both of you separated. How could it have been able to it happen? There are two primary reasons why individuals separation so much, which this article will attempt to reply. So make sense of why you separated. Gain from the past and after that forget about it so you can proceed onward to splendid upbeat future, where no dismal adoration stories are permitted any longer.

Why do as such numerous individuals separation? Dismal affection stories are ample in this world. Connections are hard. You need to work at them, much the same as a vocation in some cases. You can't give them a chance to bite the dust, however in the event that you are really intended to be with somebody, it shouldn't be that difficult right? As a matter of first importance, do you accept that intimate romance is genuine? You better accept, in light of the fact that on the off chance that you don't then you are basically guarantying yourself an existence without it. Genuine romance exists and there is more than one individual out there for everyone. You simply need to discover somebody that is ideal for you, not idealize, but rather ideal for you.

And after that once you discover somebody again that you know you truly genuinely adore, how would you make the affection last? All things considered, cash is one of the reasons that numerous individuals separate. Discuss cash and how you handle funds. Figure out how to settle on better monetary decisions together. Ask one another how you see what's to come. Speak with one another. Figure out how to control your ways of managing money. Cash is not insidious, but rather cherishing cash is malevolent. Be watchful how you see cash. Try not to love cash so much that you give up your adoration for it. Try not to let your affection life, turn into a miserable adoration story.

Seeing someone the adoration can subside. At the outset you were everywhere on one another. You could never get enough of one another, however now the sparkle has gone out. What was the deal? Again openness is of the utmost importance. You need to discuss the recurrence of your affection making. Maybe, you are not adoring your accomplice as much as they need you to. Attempt to discover a trade off. Likewise, sentiment your accomplice outside the room some all the more also. Give them a few compliments. After all is well and done, regardless you don't discover a trade off, then maybe your genuine romance is still out there and you simply haven't met them yet. You can have an upbeat closure of your dismal affection story, simply continue looking.

Connections travel every which way, however you can discover intimate romance. Figure out how to return the flavor to your relationship. Correspondence is immense regarding having an adoring upbeat relationship. Discuss cash and adoration making. It is vital to stay away from a separation, so do what needs to be done. Stay solid and gain from your past pitiful affection stories, so as to have a cheerful completion.

Ways To Get The Romance Of The Existence

Perhaps you have being searching to satisfy the best person but nothing has worked?

Hopefully this information will shed more light around the obstructions you have been transporting around.

Old values

That old values individuals continually be alone for that relaxation of the existence, which is more difficult for any lady than the usual guy to satisfy someone are old values that pops up in bringing in the correct one due to fears.

If you notice whenever you set to meet someone the worry from it not the correct one or a total waste of your time and effort may also be stopping you moving forward motionless forward.

Taking actions

To a person individuals might take actions by meeting people, getting blind dates or join the dating clubs simply to strike out more often than not.

You might go ahead and take steps purposely but psychologically you aren't open.

Requesting help

You might fear requesting assist in finding someone from family or buddies because you'd be afraid they'll use it against you, and they'll have something over you, or they are fully aware your secret yet this really is about taking risk.

Becoming vulnerable does not necessarily mean that you'll lost you which you have to accompany things people say or do, you will find the energy to select how or who you want to become buddies with and you'll make mistake and you'll study from this.

Anxiety about being alone

As you become older you might feel that it's not going to happen that you should satisfy the passion for your existence which means you produce the story that you'll finish up alone for that relaxation of the existence.

Whenever you set up obstacles inside you together with your thinking negative you don't allow others to need to make an association along with you.

Visiting the extreme

It may seem there's no hope of meeting the correct one and start to prevent caring in regards to you, about your image, feel or dress.

When hold you to ultimately a minimal standard then you definitely stop growing and learning and also you push people away.

Your story

Your story maybe it doesn't hurt to visit your buddies heading out along with their family and friends or that they're taking holidays together which it doesn't bother you since you are beyond that.

You might get tired as being a threesome together with your buddies and could choose that you would like different things than to be the odd one.

How to proceed?

Meeting new people and heading out isn't enough whenever you haven't forget about the pass relationship and still transporting the hurt along with you.

You might still blame yourself or another person.

You might believe that whatever is lost love was the right person and you don't opening to meeting another.

The outlet must originate from in the human body before you decide to allow another to your existence.

You have to produce a space of openness to get another relative so that as you release the pass then you definitely open the doorway for an additional.

Conclusion: Opening to obtain the passion for your existence begin with healing and releasing the pass associations.

'Tree of life' about love

Philippa Wilson's sculpture Grace, part of an exhibition in the First Church grounds commemorating the centenary of World War 1, is dwarfed by the spire.

Inset (from top) are Stephen Mulqueen's The Sniper's Prayer, Peter Nicholls' Grit, Morgan Jones' Dark Harvest and Bryn Jones' For Ever and Ever.

Ms Wilson said the tree she had sculpted out of steel was ''the tree of life''.

''It's really about love and how we can feel love,'' she said.

''Sometimes, we don't need words.''

Nonetheless, a poem is inscribed on the tree, written ''by a young woman who is now residing in Wellington''.

''[It's about] how love transcends culture, transcends gender, and also social, economic and political views.''

The work was ''a tribute to soldiers that have fallen; hearts scattered on the ground like fallen leaves and fallen soldiers, seeding love'', she said.

Mr Mulqueen said his sculpture was ''based on two converging reference points, the crosshairs of a sniper's telescopic sight and a simplified Celtic cross''.

He was inspired after being ''fascinated'' by the Celtic cross in Queens Gardens.

''When you're looking at the cross, you've got the cenotaph behind it,'' he said.

''I've just got a growing fascination with the idea of how ... when the dimensions are really reduced, it comes to look like the crosshairs of a gunsight.''

''It's that ironic play on terror and mortality.''

The exhibition will be in place until May 31.

Going to a marriage counselor actually shows strength in your marriage

As a marriage counselor, I am committed to strict client confidentiality. And I understand why. Couples who come to counseling want to make sure what they tell me isn't going to get out to their friends. And by keeping things confidential, it also ensures couples can talk about the real problems they're having and don't have to hold back out of fear that might get out. For these and other (legal) reasons, I make sure to keep my clients' information strictly confidential.
But sometimes I can't help but feel bad that it's so confidential. Marriage counseling is one of the strongest things you can do for you and your marriage. So instead of keeping it confidential, you should get a t-shirt for it. Here's why.
    Marriage counseling isn't for sissies
When you go to marriage counseling, your counselor will ask questions that will make you examine every little corner of yourself. And these aren't always the bright, happy corners, either. These are the confusing, numb and even scary corners that you've never looked at. And you're confronting them head on. Lots of people shy away from them and choose to divorceor just live in a loveless marriage instead. Those who go to marriage counseling are brave enough to confront their demons. And they're brave enough to have someone watch them as they do.
    Marriage counseling is the best thing you'll do for your marriage

To show love, lots of people buy their spouse a present. But not everybody takes their partner to marriage counseling. Sure, it's not as romantic as, say, a diamond necklace, but it's a deeper sign of commitment than anything you can get from a store. It shows you're invested, and you want to make things work. It shows that you'll go through whatever it takes — good and bad — for your marriage.
    Going to a counselor shows you're not afraid
Unfortunately, there's still a lot of stigma about going to see a counselor. People assume if you're seeing a counselor, you're not strong enough to handle things on your own. But seeing a counselor is just the opposite. It shows you have the courage to ask for help. It shows you're not afraid to admit you're imperfect and are willing to talk to someone who knows more in order to help. You look that stigma in the eye and walk confidently past it.
    Seeing a counselor is an accomplishment
When you go skydiving for your 40th birthday, you get pictures and even a videotape to prove to the world you actually had what it takes to jump out of a plane. And when your softball team finished first in your league, you got a trophy that you put on your desk at work for a while. When you go to marriage counseling, you're accomplishing a lot more than jumping out of a plane or placing first in a tournament. You're a step closer to accomplishing a lifelong commitment to yourself and someone else. It shows you have the courage, sacrifice, commitment and dedication to follow something through to completion.
Yes, I completely understand why therapists should keep therapy confidential. And I understand why clients would want to keep their therapy confidential, too. But seeing a marriage counselor is one of the most courageous decisions you could make in your life. Instead of trying to hide it, you should get a t-shirt for it. Your children will thank you for it and your spouse will, too. And that's a lot more important than any life accomplishment.

My more honest profile picture has attracted mostly negative attention

As there have been several instances in which my physical self has proven less than enticing, I decided that the time had come: either to postpone all offers and self-administer a makeover or to be more frank in the profile pictures. It wasn’t a difficult decision. Aside from anything, I want to be reassured that there are middle-aged men more interested in the inner than the outer woman. So, I took new photographs and posted them: a makeup free close-up and two at full-length, one unedited in jeans, and another in a knee-length skirt, sans opaques. Honest photographs.
Since then, my weight has attracted some attention. Most of it negative. I feel unusually fond of the man who wanted to blow raspberries on my thighs. He’s a superhero compared with some. I heard from a man who’d seen both the before and after pictures and felt the need to inform me why he wasn’t going to be asking me out.

He’s a doctor, you see, and when he sees obesity, he sees death. The very old people on the streets are never the obese ones, he chided. Obese? I’ll admit to roundedness, yes. A little cake at the hips and belly. OK, about 20lb of cake. But, you know what, I look all right. I’m heavier than I was at 35, but still in proportion, and I can still run up four flights of stairs at work without cardiac incident. I told him this, perhaps slightly defensively, my heart pounding in my ears. I pointed out that I hadn’t asked for a date; I’d hoped that this process was as much about making new friends and widening your circle as about being invited out to dinner. (It isn’t. It really isn’t.) He said that my thinner pictures were unnecessarily coy and should be abandoned altogether. I think what he was really saying was that they’re a form of false advertising.
“There are plenty of nice men who are into bigger girls,” he wrote, “and so it’s counter-productive to fail to admit to being one of them, because it won’t work out and you’re wasting your time. And ours, to be frank.” I looked at the honest photographs. Bigger girls? I’m a “bigger girl”? Later, he wrote again. He was sorry he’d been so tactless; he was overloaded with work. “I’m sure you’re a lovely woman,” he wrote. “You have knockout dark eyes and sensual lips, and a very nicely turned ankle. It’s just that every day I see the cost to health of obesity.” I looked at his profile pictures more closely; the one showing him on a boat with his pals revealed a hint of a paunch and the beginnings of a double chin. The bloody nerve!
“Midlife online dating is a buyer’s market,” I said to a girlfriend over lunch, “and men are the buyers. Women are the merchandise offered for perusal.”
“It’s only one guy, one joyless berk,” she consoled. “Darling, you’re gorgeous. Barely even fat at all.”
But the truth was, there had been others. Two others. A bloke had already written that he could see that if we got together there would have to be fruit for pudding. “A woman needs to keep paying attention to her physical beauty,” he said, when I told him he was rude. Then there was the diet specialist who said I should pick him as a boyfriend because he could help me lose weight.
Romance is perhaps a dangerous thing, but this was a tad too far in the other direction. When I turned him down, he wrote: “Can I politely suggest that if you don’t want comments about your size, you remove references to it from your profile.” (I’d never go out with anyone who used the phrase “Can I politely suggest …”. They are like the people who start sentences with “No offence but …”. It’s passive-aggressive.) But he was right, the doctor, that there’s a market for the larger lady, distasteful though that phrase is. I know someone – an ample, lusciously curvy woman, big all over – and she’s highly in demand … though only with men she doesn’t want to meet.
As is the way of things, a bad week made me vulnerable to a whole raft of bad ideas: there was a midnight ice-cream binge with Cameron Diaz, and an only just averted purchase of a hovel in southern Bulgaria, before I hit the rapids, the white water, and messaged Peter to ask why he doesn’t want to see me, if I’m wonderful, and why he so very obviously regretted meeting me.